Well I'm Still here...


I have a wonderful girlfriend who has depression issues and I help control her issues with her family and keep her spirits up although she is not medicated.

She has known for several years about my suicidal thoughts and manic episodes and is very in control of my meds.

Currently I am on 1500 mg of Depakote CR and it seems to work fine. That is until I miss a day and begin to have the shakes. My drinking doesn't help either. (Any advice on this would be welcome).

Sleep is my main issue. Someone suggested Valerian Root and others said Melatonin. ???

What is going on with my brain? Why do I constantly think about doing bad things to people with sharp objects?

Bored

Jeez I'm bored today. I have been interviewing for jobs because I am tired of this one. Everyday is the same. Sit Down, log in and tune out. Boring company research, Boring Excel spreadsheets, boring transfers from Georgia. This job has just become too easy. I need a challenge.

The jobs I have applied for may give me what I'm looking for. One is a desktop support position. So I might be getting back into the tech field. The other is another Customer Service position but it involves more phone calls which always make the day go by quickly.

On an emotional note, I am still in my depressed phase. I think it is slowing passing and almost gone though. The Seroquel helps me sleep, otherwise I would be up all night worrying about something trivial.

Money has been good lately. No late bills. Everything is finally getting paid off.

Tonight is American Idol and Last Restaurant Standing. Haven't seen AI for a week or two and LRS is a new show that premiers tonight. Looking forward to that.

Dinner tonight is Amped Up Chicken Fajitas. Boneless Skinless Chicken Breast, roasted with Oregano and Thyme rub. This will be combined with red bell pepper and sweet onion in a white wine beurre blanc. On top will be a balsamic reduction with chipotle flavours. As a side I think we will have saffron rice. (Yes REAL saffron. I know, it's expensive...)

Rough day

Today was rough to start. Not for any mood swing or emotional dificulty.

Hungover.

Yeah, I tied one on really good lastnight. Bourbon was the medicine of choice. My liver is mad at me. Oh well, this is common as all of my fellow mentally disabled friends know. I'm watching Band of Brothers right now. I always seem to want to cry watching this. I feel that crying is cathartic. Get it out so that I don't do it when I shouldn't. I cry watching this stuff remembering what happened in the gulf war. The first one. It was all too surreal. Hard to talk about too. How do you explain to people what you had to do to accomplish a mission? How can you rationalize in your own head what you were ordered to do and actually carried out? I was supposed to just get through it to learn a skill.

Enough of that. Tuck that away for another psychiatry session.

I'm trying my hand at miso marinated cod tomorrow night. It is soaking right now. I am a little concerned about the type of miso we got. Hacho miso is the most robust of misos. So the flavour might be a bit strong. I think I will only keep it inthe marinade for a few hours. Here's what I used:

1/4 Cup Hacho Miso
1/4 Cup Mirin
2 Tbsp Rice Vinegar
2 Tbsp Sugar

1 8oz filet of Atlantic Cod.

I let you know how it came out...

And so It begins...

My first day to enter anything, and contrary to what is normal, I am having a down day. I feel something inside is dying. I am tired emotionally and feel the need to close my eyes for a long time. Days like this a hard for me. I am used to being overly full of energy. I am used to being cocky. Sometimes I even feel like fighting.

But today is a sad day. I will probably drink myself to sleep and feel like crap tomorrow.